The Problem of Owning “It”

Dr. Larry McSwain ethics professor at McAfee School of Theology would give a legendary lecture concerning ministerial ethics. And in this lecture he would talk about the third rails of ministry, things every minister needs to be mindful of.  He would open by giving us examples of sordid affairs and indiscretions by ministers as a warning to the young preachers in his class. And we listened in disbelief, not wanting to hear the things that took place while in the ministry. And we all swore that it would never be us, that we would never stoop so low, that we would never lose sight of who we were called to be.

          

       And one year later another brother or sister finds themselves in an unethical situation we all hang our heads low. A part of it is the messiness of life, that as much as we try and for all of our good intentions, people are still going to well… “people”. We are going to muck situations up by the sheer virtue of showing up. We are going to break something by the mere persistence of our presence. People are good at “people’ing”.  Give us the simplest task and we will find a way to complicate it.  We fall in love and in lust. We are swayed by our emotions they lead to places we had no intent upon going. We see brass rings and shiny things and we reach for them because they look so good but mean us no good. People are good at “people’ing”

          

       But I want to draw a distinction between bringing our flaws and personality defects to the dinner table and using our positions, power, and privilege to prey on others.  Because what I am seeing is not the traditional tropes of “we all fall short of the glory of God”; I am seeing predatory behaviors being sugarcoated with flowery rhetoric.  There is a difference between falling short and conceding to be a crap person. There is a difference between an indiscretion and manipulation. There is a difference between and accident and intent.  We are not falling short, in order to fall you would have to stand first. We are wearing masks of virtue when in reality we are vipers on the hunt.

  We are not vipers for having desires. We are not vipers for enjoying sex. We are not vipers for being sensual creatures. We are not vipers for having aspirations. We are vipers for being inauthentic concerning our intents. We are vipers for preying upon people’s insecurities.  We are vipers for playing emotional shell games. Our passions, our desires do not make us viperous people; failing to be responsible for them does. Failing to check ourselves when we know our capacity for destruction makes us viperous.

Practicing theology that does not accommodate for healthy articulations of our sensuous selves meanwhile taking part in irresponsible behaviors makes us vipers.  Portraying abstinence for single people as the pathway to righteousness, while having no intent or desire to follow that path… is viperous.   Structuring our ministries to serve single people when in reality they prey on the insecurities of single black women … is viperous.

The problem is not in our pants. The problem is not in our sensuality. The problem is not in our sexuality. The problems are not found in our orientation. The aforementioned may be scandalous but that is not where the problem lies; the problem is in our lack of integrity.  We have become so invested in the persona that we send into the world that we have no idea what healthy relationships look like. We lie to ourselves concerning what we need, and why we need it and expect others to be okay with our manipulations. We create relationships that are rooted in hypocrisy and deception. We refuse to tell the truth about ourselves and because of our hypocrisy people in our lives learn to love the strangers who wear our skin. Such duplicity causes us to live without integrity. Living without integrity we become vampires with bloodlust consuming everything and everyone around us. We bleed them dry for their love, affirmation, and care, happy to consume but too selfish to give.

When people who lead congregations refuse to live healthy and whole lives we spread a disease of apathy and exceptionalism to those most vulnerable in our congregations. We are modeling behaviors that suggest that accountability is good for you but when you lead you are accountable to no one.

 Instead of modeling behaviors that are healthy for our communities at whole we pass the pain around like the offering tray at midday. We are the same ministers that use the pulpit as a place to police sexuality but lack the authenticity to police our own behaviors.  We are the same ministers who preach respectability but will not walk with authenticity. We are the same ministers who point fingers at others but prey on those whom we are pointing. This act is the height of hypocrisy

We create a church culture that is unable to speak maturely about desire. A culture sees no value in desire beyond a catalyst that leads to procreation. Church culture remains infantile in its ability to navigate our sensual and spiritual selves. We are working from models of human sexuality that are centuries old. Approaching our sensual selves in this light is tantamount to using carrier pigeons to relay messages when a phone is in your hand. We know better and we have been called to do better.

 We know that desire in itself is not bad. It should be celebrated to be celebrated. They are given to us by a wonderful and caring God. Our desires are meant to be explored, understood and managed responsibly. They are not meant to be ignored, suppressed or prayed away. Desires should be welcomed and affirmed .When managed effectively they bring us closer to ourselves and to our partners. When we are able to communicate desires, our sensuous needs, we are able to fully participate in the abundance of life withholding nothing.

However, communicating such need requires that we do the deep and often painful work of honesty and integrity. Locating what the soul needs to flourish requires that we commit to an integrous walk of interpersonal ownership, in other words we have to own it, claim it, hone it. We can’t place the responsibility for our brokenness at anyone’s feet but ours. . The devil didn’t make us do it. We were not tempted or seduced; we wanted to take advantage of the situation before us. And we own the fact that we abused our power and abused people. That language is painful but it is necessary.

 The good news of ownership is; whatever you own you have the capacity to influence.  When we own our brokenness we have the capacity to seek repair. If we own our frailty we have the capacity to secure integrity.  If we own our carelessness we have the capacity to become mindful. And if we own our desires we turn shame into celebration.